One of the big pleasures I have is watching the full moon make its way up and over the mountain. I see it from my patio doors as I am making dinner. Lately, it not only is a big, full moon but also a beautiful, warm yellow. When I first see it, the moon  is just peering over the top edge of the mountain. Then it seems to sit on the edge of the mountain top just before continuing  its journey up into the night sky. A moment in time.

I was thinking of good things to distract from the pain I have in my joints and the nagging fear in the back of my mind that I am becoming more disabled with each passing day.

My RA was diagnosed seven years ago in January. Since then, I have had three cancers and a hip replacement. Most of that time I have been on methotrexate, mostly injectable. It has slowed the progress of the RA. It could be worse. I’ve been on almost all the biologics. Currently, I am two doses into another drug called Actemra. It will help, but it will probably be paused as I now have a new complication from past breast cancer radiation.

As I type, my right wrist hurts as do both hands. Wrist pain used to come and go but it is here most of the time now. My ankles hurt as well as do my feet. Fortunately for me, I am a two finger typist since my hands are misshapen and can no longer use the correct typewriting form I learned in high school. I could go on but those who have RA or any of the other autoimmune or inflammatory diseases will understand.

Pain is manageable to some degree. Ignored. Medicated. Fearing an uncertain future is not as easy. My degenerating arthritic feet and spine require that I use a cane. I can no longer drive. No, it is not easy. And no, it can’t be rationalized. It is what it is.

I write it down. I continue to live. I am fortunate that I can spend my time on my favorite activities, reading and writing. And amazing enough I am happy.

Journal

November 2019