A leaf on a breeze                                                                      

      RA Journal           6/7/22

I am trying to think of a word that means to float like a leaf on a gentle breeze. Free. Light. Weightless. Being. This thought was taken from the old Firefly adventure movie Serenity. It was about a soft landing, but I think of it without the landing. I am thinking about this because as I woke this morning every nerve in my body was screaming out to me in pain. I’ve taken pain medicine all day, but it only helps some. I am feeling worn. And since this seems to be my daily lot, I’m trying to decide what is my next level of acceptance needs to be.

My RA flares are different than they were earlier on. My first flares left me totally fatigued. Absolutely no energy to do anything. I remember the drained feeling being as bad as the joint pain. As incapacitating. The medics finally figured out that this was all due to increased cytokine activity in an RA person’s body.

Over the years these attacks have become an everyday, all-day event. I really can’t call them flares anymore. Flares are bursts of increase activity. Now, the pain is sharper, burning, aching all at once and more of the time.  I do believe the biologic, tocilizumab, Actemra, is helping but on average it is expected to work 20-50%.  No more.

So my thought of floating like a leaf on a gentle breeze is the thought of accepting my lot without argument and wasted energy. Or even thinking too much about it. It is existing without anger or resentment. It is letting go.  It is the acceptance thing. Maybe it is part routine.

So, I made English Muffins. My favorite. I made them over two days. A bonus of better flavor when refrigerated overnight. Like making rye bread for my son, it is a ritual. Routine. Not difficult. Doing without care. Satisfying. Like being the leaf. Floating along. Not to worry.